Wednesday, September 18, 2013

When the Storms Come

August was a very busy month. Mind you, considering I have barely been able to leave the house because of crazy fatigue levels, it doesn't take much for my world to become busy!

Then the storms blew in. First I had a friend visit. She understands my physical issues and she was perfectly fine with me being sequestered much of the time in my room. However, I wasn't OK with it. I wanted to spend time with her, and chat, and have some quality girlfriend time. So I pushed myself to socialize much more than I should have. Then a couple of weeks after her visit, our kids came for a week. Again, they are aware of my health needs, but I did far more than my body could handle. But I made it work. I plowed through the week and did what I had to do and what I wanted to do.

Then it happened...

My system imploded. I woke up one morning feeling sort of OK. I decided to have a nice hot shower while I still had energy. By the time I dried my hair, I felt physically sick from exhaustion. I collapsed in bed, waiting for the dust to settle... but it didn't. I fell into a very unpleasant sleep, where I would wake up from a nightmare and with crushing pain on my chest. I tried getting out of bed, but every movement felt like it required Herculean effort.

Running away from reality

Since becoming ill, I have done everything humanly possible to change, reshape, refocus, re... well, you get the point. I think I'm getting to a place of peace and acceptance, then my body throws me back in another storm. This kind of living is not only futile, it's unhealthy and exhausting. Given my lack of available energy, this is certainly not a wise way to use it!

Accepting what is

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next."
 
                                                                          Reinhold Niebuhr


The few times I have truly accepted my situation, I have experienced blessed peace and serenity. Unfortunately, learning to fully trust God has been a crazy roller coaster ride with me fighting for control most of the way.

What I do know is that when I draw near to the Lord, letting go of my plans and fully trusting His, I experience His peace. The other option is for me to continue doing things my way, which means doing more than my body can handle and getting worse every agonizing step of the way. That is just plain goofy!!

"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)"
                                                                                                           John 10:10
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Are you enjoying your life, as Jesus hoped you would? If you are still fighting for control, what is stopping you from letting go? I pray that you will join me in taking each day as it comes, giving thanks for what we do have, and letting go of the things we don't. 

Kristina