Thursday, February 18, 2016

What a difference a year makes

Trying something new

Because I want to

I have spent the last year trying to built a Wordpress blog... I'm not even close to figuring it out. I couldn't understand Wordpress when I was healthy let alone with severe brain fog! Why did I do it? I believed an advertisement. BUT, I still plan on getting it done! Until then, rather than not write at all, I come back to my tried and true Blogger site.

Because I have to

My husband announced last Friday that he is leaving me. Apparently the demands of my chronic health issues are simply too demanding... I can't even begin to explain the utter... the horrific... the profound heartbreak... I'm housebound and my mind is scrambling to figure out how on earth I will pack, get the house ready for sale, move and unpack - not to mention managing the spectacular crash that is sure to follow once all this is done. My soon to be ex has assured me that he will be here to help me. These words bring me a very fragile comfort.
I know that I'm not the only person dealing with severe chronic illness to have this happen. It's not easy to live with people like us, which I found cited in numerous articles. What I also found, and acknowledge, are the significant difficulties facing caregivers (see article). I knew that the effects of my illnesses were not easy for my husband to bare. I have been carrying around crushing guilt for most of the past 7 years as a result. But there is still a part of me that is horrified that I could be married to a man capable of such cruelty. He is strong, healthy and handsome. His life will improve without me in it. Mine will become significantly worse... to start with.

New possibilities

God has already been showing me blessings in the midst of my worst nightmare. They are:
  • Feeling even closer to Him - I admit that when my husband sprang the news, my first thought for God was "Really? You are going to take THIS away from me too??" Then I began listening to Praise 106.5 and as I sang along I noticed I was smiling and even felt joy!
  • Concern for my husband - I definitely didn't anticipate this one, but I felt true concern for what this choice would do to him. He too will be paying a heave price for his decision.
  • Trusting God more fully - It's not that I didn't trust God, but as a woman who used to be a strong Type A and highly independent, there was always a part of me that had a back-up plan in case God didn't come through... that's not faith. What I am experiencing now is a trust that is as strong as iron being forged in the hottest fire. It's not a trust that is fueled by my fear; it's a trust that is fueled by a rock-solid faith!
  • Being showered with love from the most unexpected places - As I reached out in utter panic, I found many people ready to jump to my aid... and I am humbled. There is something so beautiful in watching people allow God to work through them. I feel surrounded and uplifted by His Love, and I'm grateful beyond words.

The next chapter

I don't know what my future holds, but there is a part of me that is feeling a tiny drop of excitement. My goal? To do whatever I can to serve God by helping others through the power of His Son. This will be my way of thanking Him for loving me so completely.

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Have you lost a relationship because of your health? How did it impact your faith? What would you say was your biggest lesson learned?